September 17, 2019
I’m almost 2 weeks post knee surgery and this is been one hell of a journey. I’ve learned Oxycodone doesn’t agree with my body and it messes with my mind. I seem to be crying every day (which I hate!)
I’ve been down this road a few years ago when depression set in after too much heartache and now because of a stupid pill, it’s come back. Although it’s not as severe as before, it still affects my life and my family’s lives.
Today I am stopping that stupid pill and trying to just use Tylenol to ease the pain. Dear God, please let the Tylenol do the job. Please!
The other challenge is the house is silent. Daniel is sleeping, Hailie is doing homework or talking to her boyfriend and Madi is hanging out in her bedroom. I don’t know what to do with the silence, I’ve never minded quiet time before but since my mind isn’t stable, I can’t stand it.
My cousin Laura introduced me to her FunEmptyNester Blog and that has inspired me to just write whatever is on my mind.
I actually love writing, mostly poetry or children’s stories, I just haven’t had the focus lately. Maybe this quiet house is God’s way of telling me “it’s time”, it’s time for me to let Him inspire me, it’s time for me to find my own interests, it’s time for me to see what truly brings me joy besides my family, it’s time for me to fly as well.
Whatever this silent season is, I must find a way to embrace it. I’m not having any more kids, I can’t just keep busy ALL the time, I need to be able to sit in the silence and be at peace. The question is, how do I do that? How do I find peace in the silence when the silence is screaming at me? It’s telling me, I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’ve nothing to do but is that really true? Deep down I don’t feel sad, I have a household of people that love me, they’re just living their lives and that’s good.
My job was to raise my kids not to need me and although they still love me, they don’t necessarily need me AS MUCH and that’s okay. That’s okay. I am going to be okay, I am going to find my new path, I am going to embrace and enjoy this silence, especially, since the silence is when you can truly hear God. I’m waiting Lord, show me our next pathway and I will follow.